Reflections from this morning

I woke up this morning feeling hopeful, a sense of anticipation of good things to come and I have no idea why. I'm living a lifestyle that is so alien to the way that I was raised as to be almost horrifying to my younger self. That younger self is still in there, railing away at my present self, constantly asking why. Why do you live in a boat? Why don't you have a job? What are you going to do with the rest of your life? How are you going to survive and what makes you think you should? It seems to me that outside of a few good friends (actually quite a few) a boat, some tools, a guitar and a few scraps of clothing there's not much happening that is conducive to eating regularly.

This feeling of hopeful anticipation comes, I think, from a need to believe, to be positive. I've got to believe that after quite a few years of things going haywire, inexplicably going wrong and falling apart that maybe now I'm going to get a break or two. Maybe it's my turn now. Maybe it's my turn now because I have good friends, a good place to live, good health care and the possibility of living out the dearest and oldest of my dreams.

Sitting here at the chart table aboard Avalon, feeling her rock to the wind and tug at the spring lines, hearing the sounds of the marina and the people and wildlife that live here, drinking a cup of coffee and banging away at my laptop fills me with a contentment that I have rarely known in my life. The dream is more than just possible.....it's happening. Sure, it's a little scary. Yes, it's a little lean at times. Somehow those two detractors seem more like minor irritants. The overall feeling I get from this life style is one of connectedness. I'm connected to my dream, I'm connected to my friends, I'm connected to a community, I'm connected to myself.

This connection to myself is something new. In the past I have attached myself to someone else's agenda as a regular part of my life. The wife, the job, the mortgage, the kids, the critters, all of these and more defined me, put me in a box that could be understood, quantified, marketed. Now the box has disappeared and been replaced by an ocean of possibilities. Literally. This has forced me to re-evaluate my relationship with myself and my environment and I have discovered something. I like me. I like my life. I enjoy the things I do. Life is good.

Today I go to band practice, working with seasoned pros who want to create a finished product before it is shown in public. Cool. I like that a lot. It allows me to pursue my solo work as I wish while also working on a band project. Right now a lot of things are in limbo due to upcoming health issues. It's kind of hard to schedule solo shows when I might be going through multiple bypass heart surgery within the next few months. The upside of that is if I do go through that surgery, I will more than likely be defined as 100% disabled, thereby financing my dream. If it kills me then I won't care about the dream. Either way, I win. At least for a little while. Maybe long enough, however long that is.

Volunteering for Vietnam was one of the dumbest things I ever did with my life that seems to have turned out to be one of the smartest things I ever did with my life. Kinda funny when you think about it. A disaster comes into your life and gives you a hard time and you curse the gods. Later something similar happens and you know what to do while helping others get through it. Maybe Nietzsche was right when he said "that which does not kill us makes us stronger".

Maybe it makes us better as well. Better with ourselves, better with others, better at making the best of what this world has to offer. When life gives you lemons, make batteries. Remember to thank the gods for all things seemingly good or bad. Take the Dhowist point of view; Situations are good or bad depending on what they lead to. No situation is good or bad in itself. All situations have their lesson to teach.