Another Night

The slap and clang of standing rigging sounding from the masts, the tug of spring lines curtailing the run for freedom in the wind, I listen to the sounds of a windy night in the sticks. The fan in the companionway goes from quiet to frantic as the wind shifts and clocks, telling me of a night that would be a challenge to sail. What else is there to expect from a Florida Spring night?>

The moon is full and the tide cycle is fast, three feet in six hours from slack to slack. Sometimes I can feel Avalon heel fifteen or more degrees as the Westerly winds grab her mast and shoves. I have to wonder what it would be like at anchor out by the Gulfport Pier. I also wonder if tonight I could take the dinghy out and do a full moon sail. With the way Avalon is bucking and pulling at her lines, I kind of doubt that it would be a good idea. There are faster and cleaner ways to die.

I almost drowned once. In a public swimming pool. Some of my “friends” and I were playing around and having a good time and this one fat kid, one of the local bullies, decided that it would be fun to hold me, the nerd, under for a while. I felt the water trying to find it's way into my frantic lungs and by instinct I grabbed his jewels and twisted. I didn't let go until I was forced to by a nearby adult. It was gratifying to see and hear him yacking up all that chlorinated water. I was disappointed that he could. Does that make me bad?

There is in all of us a joy in living and a need to find that next breath. Each and every one of us would strike back at those who would do us harm, no matter how futile the effort. A field mouse will stand up to a stooping owl, a rat will turn on the dog or human that has it cornered. Only the human will passively allow another to kill it. We somehow believe that we will be rescued at the last moment, that this is not really happening, that we can push the “redo” button. Hope is the nastiest joke the gods ever played on us.

We hope that things will work out for our loved ones, our friends, for ourselves. Are we not worthy of another chance? Do we not deserve the privileges of continued life and love? After all, are we not created in the image or our creator? How can that be a bad thing? We are ENTITLED! We are the pinnacle of creation, the Alpha and Omega. Bull shit!

We are just another creature in the universal food chain. Not one of us is entitled to one second more than our allotted time. If you are worried about dying or the death of one you know, then you are not living. Be here, be now, be what you need to be at the moment and make no apology. This is where you are and this is where and when you belong. All else is artifice.

I love this life and all that it brings. I really do. Tonight, while writing this, I took a break and walked out to the end of the marina pier to watch the play of light on the water. The gusting wind from the West formed the bay waters into short ripples. The low scudding clouds playing tag with the full moon created a light show. The short chop on the water, the fast clouds and the full moon made a dance of light and dark that played from the marina to the Eastern shores of Boca Ciega Bay, a glowing, flowing show of movement. I wanted to be out in it. I wanted to participate.

I wanted to join in the dance of light, wind and wave, to be a part of the flow that I watched from shore. I was too drunk. Too much rum, too much self pity, too much recrimination and anger, too much disappointment at life. There was no way I was going to trust myself to that kind of elemental power. Not yet. When Avalon is ready, when I have restored her to her power and me to my skill, then we will go out and dance. I look to that day and the visceral joy it will bring us.

Today I was informed that if I were to give up Avalon I would have a much better chance of getting assistance to avoid homelessness. Would you give up your girl friend, wife, boy friend or husband to give yourself just a few more days of life? This boat, Avalon, is the dream I have held close to my heart since I was twelve years of age. Fear of the sea and the mastering of that fear was my first remembered, and conquered, nightmare.

This is where and when and how I need to be. If I starve or die in the process then so be it. Today I asked some friends for information, not help, aid or assistance, just plain information. Maybe it will come, maybe it won't. In the long run, it's just me and my relationship with life. I am close to my dream, I can feel it. I can smell it. My dreams tell me that what I want and need are near. All I have to do is hang in there just a little longer. So mote it be.

No one gets out of here alive, so live it like ya mean it.